I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
