I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
