Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
