This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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