that's an acceptable place to lick
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize