We named our party play list daddy issues
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
