I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize