I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
