my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
