my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize