Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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