I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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