You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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