I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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