he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
