So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
