well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
