is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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