There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
