dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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