i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
