So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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