mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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