Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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