my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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