just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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