Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
