I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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