Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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