i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
