toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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