sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize