He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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