Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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