you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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