I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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