Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
