I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
