I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
