i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
