I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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