just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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