Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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