dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I need to stop coming to work sober
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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