doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
