i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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