I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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