Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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