a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize