Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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