I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm at about main and main street
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
