I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
