I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
