So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
