So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
