We're like a lot better than the average bears
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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