there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
