i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
