pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
