Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
