If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize